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1994-06-20
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"Don't believe anything unless you have thought it through for yourself."
- Anna Pell Wheeler~
My mind is my greatest gift but it is also my worst enemy.
- P.S. Cairns~
I think, therefore I am... sad.
- Scott A. Mackay~
Those we call "phonies" may not, in fact, be phonies at all.
They may merely be poor suckers who don't know who they are.
They may not be trying to "put on airs" but may simply be
lost souls who haven't established their own persoanl ambiences.
- Harlan Ellison
"A Rare, Kindly Thought", from his 1990 Hornbook~
I stink, therefore I am.~
I have nothing to say to you.~
Are you lonely, are you lost? I know that you'be been feeling tired.
I know that you're unhappy. I bring you love and deeper understanding.~
Everything is going to be all right.~
Ah, I forget.~
Jah live.~
Whatever happens next, do NOT press any key to continue...~
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters
compared to what lies within us.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson~
We are not lost, we are here.
- Northrope Frye~
Poetry is a search for the inexplicable.
- Wallace Stevens~
It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare;
it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.
- Seneca~
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.~
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
-- Woody Allen~
Avoid reality at all costs.~
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
-- Dave Parnas~
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.~
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
and captain of your soul.~
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.~
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.~
God is a polythiest~
Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if
you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.~
You may be recognized soon. Hide.~
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit
in my name at a Swiss bank.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"~
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an
extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose;
they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own
functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are
no fun at parties.~
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.~
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche~
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.~
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
-- F. M. Hubbard~
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
-- G. B. Shaw~
Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up
liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to
do with the other.
-- Jules Feiffer~
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
hole in his head.~
Your lucky color has faded.~
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him
love and he invented marriage.~
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.~
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.~
/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.~
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.~
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.~
Famous last words:
1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
4. We won't need reservations.
5. It's always sunny there this time of the year.
6. Don't worry, it's not loaded.
7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.~
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.~
William Safire's Rules for Writers:
----------------------------------
Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
viable alternatives.~
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His
mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."~
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
to go.~
Save the dinosaurs!~
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.~
Reality is a crutch for people who can't deal with science-fiction.~
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
--English Professor, Ohio University~
"What do you mean Star Trek isn't real?!"~
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position.~
Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
hard you get fucked.~
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
problem.~
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"~
Q: How do you play religious roulette?
A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
by lightning first.~
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-- Jules de Gaultier~
There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
-- Gloria Steinem~
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
see it tried on him personally.
-- A. Lincoln~
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.